A snotty receptionist meets her match

This morning, Sis-in-law forwarded me this joke: SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist’s desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.…

The Creation of Euro-English

OK, I know this story has done the rounds a few times already, but it still makes me smile: “The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded…

The baffling terminology of shares

A few days ago, Standard Bank sent us the following public offer regarding Nedbank Group Ltd Preference Shares (NBKP): “Nedbank Group Ltd intends issuing non-core Tier 1 perpetual, non-cumulative, non-redeemable, non-participating preference shares by way of a public offer to raise ZAR1 billion. The Nedbank preference shares will pay a dividend of 75 percent of…

Ode to my spell checker

I don’t know where this comes from, but I think it’s brilliant. “ODE TO MY SPELL CHEQUER Eye have a spelling chequer It came with my pea sea It plainly marques four my revue Miss steaks eye kin knot sea Eye strike a quay and type a word And weight four it two say Weather…

The hair cut: A morality tale

An apposite tale in view of the recent expenses scandal of MPs in the UK. “One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, ‘I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The florist was pleased and…

The Laws of Ultimate Reality

Law of Mechanical Repair After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee. Law of Gravity Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. Law of Probability The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. Law of…

Church bulletin funnies

“They’re Back! Church Bulletins: Thank God for church ladies with typewriters — misspellings, bad sentence construction or choice of words all make for fun reading. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services: The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The…