Some clever wordplay to fire the synapses in your brain

Don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If a deaf child signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Would a fly without wings be called walk?
Why do they lock petrol station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is it homeless or naked?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they put braille on the drive-through bank machines?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Does the little mermaid wear an alg[a]ebra?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word ‘lisp’ to have an ‘s’ in it?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?