Badger tickling, vampire penguins and deedoos: Adam’s bizarre somniloquies

This morning, a friend of mine sent me a link to a blog about a man who talks in his sleep. His name is Adam Lennard. His wife Karen, who first noticed that he was sleep-talking in February 2009, decided to record his priceless and hysterically funny utterances and to post them on the web. They were recently interviewed on ‘This Morning’, and posted the video clip on YouTube.

Here are my favourites.

Surreal

Man, would I love to see inside his dreams for these!

• [while drifting off to sleep during a sensible conversation] “The plumbing doesn’t help with the cucumbers anymore.” (08 Sep 2009) [What on earth?!]
  
• “It’s definitely time to get up. Yes. My dog needs a new tutu.” (08 Oct 2009)
• “Sigh of a ninja.” (08 Oct 2009)
• “Give me back my hands! Limb thief!” (13 Nov 2009)
• “Vampire penguins? Zombie guinea pigs? We’re done for…. done for.” (01 Jan 2010)
• “No, not the cats. Don’t trust them. Their eyes. Their eyes. They know too much.” (19 Jan 2010) [I’ve often thought that myself, actually.]
  
• “Deedoo. It’s a deedoo. A deedoo…Oh, it’s not a deedoo. I have no idea what it is.” (21 Jan 2010)

Food

• “Don’t… Don’t put the noodles and the dumplings together in the boat. They’ll fight! The noodles are bullies. Poor dumplings.” (08 Jan 2010)
• “I’m baking pillows. Burn them slowly, keeps them fluffy! Mmmmmm, pillows.” (12 Jan 2010)

Insults

Most of these are too purple in language to quote! These are the tamest ones I could find.

• “Dance for me, go on. Oh you were! I thought you were having a spaz attack….. Doofus.” (18 Dec 2010)
• “Your mum’s at the door again. Bury me. Bury me deep.” (11 Jan 2010)
• “Shhhhhhhhh. shhhhhhhhh. I’m telling you: your voice, my ears. A bad combination.” (11 Jan 2010)

Self-esteem

• “Do you like what you see? No? Well, bloody look harder. Strain your eyes!” (26 Dec 2009)
• “I haven’t put on weight. Your eyes are fat.” (04 Jan 2010) [!! That must be a classic!]
• “Yeah, keep looking. It doesn’t get any better than this.” (11 Jan 2010)
• “Yeah, falling in love is WONDERFUL. Especially when it’s with me.” (23 Jan 2010)
• “I’m here! I know, I brighten the room. Everything’s better.” (23 Jan 2010) [I want that on a t-shirt!]
  

Audio Clips

• “Don’t leave the duck there. It’s totally irresponsible. Put it on the swing, it’ll have much more fun.” (23 Dec 2009)
• “I can’t control the kittens. Too many whiskers! Too many whiskers!” (25 Dec 2009)
• “Badger tickling: proceed with caution.” (01 Jan 2010)
• “Potato bags. I can’t find my potato bags. I need them! [desperately] Who’s got my potato bags? Oh, fuck it! I’ll have to use something else.” (12 Jan 2010)
• “You can’t be a pirate if you haven’t got a beard. I said so. MY boat, MY rules.” (14 Jan 2010)

Giggle…