Humour for Lexophiles

(With thanks to Cara.)

  • I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
  • Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
  • Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
  • The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
  • The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
  • Writing with a broken pencil is pointless.
  • When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
  • A short fortune teller escaped from prison – there is a small medium at large.
  • A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
  • A thief fell into wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
  • Thieves who steal corn from a garden should be charged with stalking.
  • We’ll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
  • When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
  • The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
  • The geology professor’s theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
  • The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
  • Taking a laptop computer for a run will jog your memory.
  • A dentist and a chiropodist fought tooth and nail.
  • A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
  • A will is a dead giveaway.
  • Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
  • A backward poet writes inverse.
  • In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.
  • A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
  • If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
  • With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
  • Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.
  • When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
  • The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
  • A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulting in Linoleum Blownapart.
  • You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
  • Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
  • He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
  • A calendar’s days are numbered.
  • A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.
  • A boiled egg is hard to beat.
  • He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
  • A plateau is a high form of flattery.
  • Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
  • When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
  • If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
  • When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
  • Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
  • Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
  • Acupuncture: a jab well done.

 

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